THE WEST HAS BEEN HANDED THE KEYS BY A GENUINE MENTALIST

​I’ve been reading a few bits on the Abolition of Universal Suffrage, and it’s reminded me of Donald Trump’s recent performance at Davos. Calling it a speech is like calling a pile-up on the M1 a driving maneuver. It was embarrassing, it was pathetic, and it had the intellectual depth of a puddle in a car park.

​72 minutes. That’s how long it took. 72 minutes of pure, unrefined lunacy, beamed live to a planet that I suspect was looking for the off switch.

​72 minutes in which the President of the United States—the man in charge of the world's largest economy—confused Greenland with Iceland. Not once. Repeatedly. While explaining that he wants to buy it. It’s like watching a man walk into a showroom, point at a Volvo, and scream that he wants to buy that Ferrari. And then insisting the Volvo is actually a ham sandwich.

​Then we got the biology lesson. He claimed he has 100% Scottish blood and 100% German blood. Now, even for a man who thinks exercise uses up a finite battery inside the human body, that’s impressive. He’s 200% human. He’s literally twice the man we are. Either that, or he’s as good at math as a Labrador.

​He then told the room that all the big oil companies are coming with us to Venezuela. This is despite the CEO of ExxonMobil telling him, quite clearly and using small words, that Venezuela is uninvestable. Trump got so upset he threatened to sack Exxon—which is a bit like threatening to sack the North Sea. The other oil bosses are currently hiding under their desks, but Trump is out there telling Davos, They’re all coming! He’s like a man standing in an empty pub insisting the party is just getting started.

​Then there’s China. He claimed they don’t have wind turbines. China. The country that has been the world’s biggest producer of wind power since the invention of the wheel. They account for 45% of the planet's wind projects. But to Trump, they don’t have windmill farms. They just sell them to stupid people. Presumably, people who can count to 100.

​He then moved on to threatening Denmark—a NATO ally—with the kind of tone you’d use on a hostage. You can say yes, and we’ll like it. You can say no, and we’ll remember. He called Greenland a piece of ice that holds the fate of the Earth. I’m asking for a piece of ice in exchange for world peace. He sounds like a man trying to trade a frozen Mars bar for a nuclear submarine.

​Then he claimed he paid taxes to Switzerland as retaliation because some woman rubbed him the wrong way. And then—my favorite bit—he said the markets crashed because of Iceland. Iceland! A country with the population of a mid-sized football stadium. He thinks 380,000 Vikings in woolly jumpers managed to bankrupt Wall Street.

​Inflation? He says it’s practically zero. It’s actually 2.7%, which is higher than the target and rising because of his own brilliant taxes. But in his head, if he can’t see it, it isn’t there. It’s the object permanence of a toddler.

​The history was even better. He claimed the U.S. returned Greenland to Denmark after the war. Except the U.S. never owned it. They tried to buy it for $100 million in 1946 and were told to bugger off. You can't return a country you never actually had, in the same way I can't return the keys to the Taj Mahal.

​He then spent his time calling the head of the Federal Reserve stupid and Too-Late Jerome. Live. In front of the people who actually run the world’s money. He then claimed the U.S. pays 100% of NATO, despite the real figure being 16%. And to finish it all off, he called Azerbaijan Aber-bajian. Which sounds like a brand of budget denture cream.

​It was 72 minutes of a man’s brain simply melting in real-time. A torrent of verifiable lies, made-up statistics, and geographical blunders that would confuse a homing pigeon. And the rest of the world just sat there, in stunned silence, watching the leader of the free world walk face-first into a glass door. Repeatedly.

​Condolences. And may God have mercy on our souls.