WHY THE NEW CAR MARKET HAS COLLAPSED

 

A Manifesto Against Automotive Nonsense

Because they're ruddy EXPENSIVE, you blithering idiot!

Do you know why? Because modern cars have become a technological equivalent of a Swiss Army knife that also makes tea, sings lullabies, and can predict next week's lottery numbers! Utter. Bloody. Nonsense!

The Rise of the Useless Feature

Take the window controls. Not content with being simple up/down buttons, they've evolved into something so complicated that NASA uses the same system to launch rockets!

Press briefly → window goes down automatically like some sort of robotic butler.
Hold longer → window descends completely like it's trying to escape.
Press down and pull up → window lowers just a smidgen, as if you're playing some bizarre game of "how low can you go?"
Pull up and press down → window rises slightly, like it's doing a little window dance just for you!

In the old days, you pressed a button, the window went down, you let go, it stopped. SIMPLE! Now it's like operating the controls of a nuclear submarine just to get some fresh air!

And don't get me started on windscreen wipers with more functions than my television remote! Ten settings! TEN! For something that just needs to wipe water! What next? Wipers that can do your tax returns? Wipers that can tell you why your relationship failed?

"Oh, look! It's raining. Better select 'gentle sprinkle' mode rather than 'torrential downpour' mode. Oh wait, I've accidentally activated 'wiper disco' mode and now my car is doing the Macarena at traffic lights!"

All this technological willy-waving costs money. Loads of it. And for what? So you can tell your mates down the pub that your car has more settings than their pathetic family hatchback?

The Great Climate Control Con

Then there's the dual-zone climate control in a cabin that's about the size of a decent garden shed. The air in that tiny space mixes completely in approximately 3.7 seconds! That's a scientific fact! (I may have just made that up, but it sounds right, so let's roll with it!)

In a space that small, it takes seconds for the air to mix and equalize temperature. Just open a window briefly while driving! The only real benefit of dual-zone AC is that you feel slightly cooler and your passenger feels slightly warmer—but only on small parts of your body, because the rest of the cabin is exactly the same temperature!

Feature Escalation: The Automotive Arms Race

Why have car makers gone feature-mad?

Because they're like a bunch of chimpanzees at a tech buffet! One manufacturer adds a feature, and suddenly it's an arms race! "They've got three wiper settings? We'll have FOUR!" "They've got four? We'll have EIGHT!" Next thing you know, cars will come with their own personal weather systems!

Now, the radio controls aren't just where they should be—they're also on the steering wheel, the dashboard, the ceiling, the gear stick, and probably hidden in a secret compartment under the ashtray! THREE identical buttons doing the exact same thing! It's like having three remote controls for the same telly, all programmed to the same channel!

Navigation systems aren't just in the car—they're on your phone, your watch, your fridge, your toaster, and probably soon in your underpants! "I need directions to the shops." "I AM THE SHOPS," says your watch. "I AM ALSO THE SHOPS," says your phone. "I AM THE SHOPS AND ALSO YOUR MUM," says your car. MADNESS!

The Spare Tire Scam

If you get a flat tire, you find a pathetic little air pump that works only if the puncture is smaller than a pinhead. If the tire is properly shredded, you still need a tow truck! It's like giving someone a plaster when they've had their arm chopped off! "Here, this should fix it! Probably!"

When Safety Features Go Too Far

A reader mentioned the case of a child strangled by a window because they put their foot on the button and their head out. As a result, manufacturers introduced a button that lowers when pressed and raises when pulled.

Well, I wasn't aware of this specific case, but I'm not surprised! In America, a woman actually sued a microwave manufacturer because it didn't warn against putting her cat inside! THE CAT! The company had to pay compensation and add a warning sticker! What next? "Warning: Do not use a toaster as a boat."? "Caution: Fridge not suitable for housing pet iguana"?

If we redesigned everything based on one person's monumental stupidity, we'd never get anything done! Stairs would have bubble wrap, warning lights, and a safety briefing before use! Your kettle would have a helmet! Your front door would require a password, fingerprint, DNA sample, and the blood of a virgin!

In the case of the child, a simple warning in the manual would suffice: "Make sure your kid isn't an idiot." Safety improvements should be based on actual statistics, not one-off, idiotic incidents!

How often does a child simultaneously put their foot on the window button and their head out? Once! In the entire history of motoring! That's like banning swimming pools because one person once tried to wash their cat in one!

The Solution

Strip out all the technological gewgaws, the electronic gimcracks, and the computerized flimflam, and you'd have cars that cost a THIRD less! A THIRD! That's enough to buy a small island! Or at least a decent second-hand sports car!

A hammer is a hammer. No one's making "smart" hammers that stop when they sense your finger. Because that would be completely mental! Just like most features on modern cars, which have more technology than the space shuttle but are about as reliable as a chocolate teapot in the Sahara!

So here's my message to car manufacturers: Simplify! Focus on making cars that are reliable, comfortable, and don't cost the Earth. Your customers will thank you for it - and maybe, just maybe, the new car market might recover from its current death spiral.