Seven Absolutely Vital Survival Rules for Foreigners Experiencing a Maltese Christmas

Right. Listen carefully. Because you are about to make a catastrophic mistake.

You think you’re going for Christmas lunch with your Maltese partner. Lunch. A word that suggests a plate, a chair, and a polite escape. This is a lie. What you are actually walking into is a full-scale, carb-fueled, multi-hour endurance marathon with no exit strategy.

1. This is NOT lunch. This is a test of human limits.
You will arrive optimistic. Foolish. You will eat. Then rest. Then eat again. Then claim you are full. At which point a woman you’ve never met will smile warmly and put more food on your plate. Later, someone will suggest going somewhere else for more food. In Malta, “I’m full” is not a decision. It’s feedback.

2. Everyone is family. EVERYONE.
You will meet cousins, second cousins, neighbours, former neighbours, people who used to be neighbours, and a man who “once fixed the garage door.” You are expected to greet all of them like blood relatives. Names are irrelevant. Eye contact and vague enthusiasm will keep you alive.

3. Food is not food. Food is affection.
You will be fed constantly. Refusing food is taken personally, spiritually, and possibly legally. Saying yes means you are accepted into the tribe. Take tiny portions. Always say it’s delicious. Even when you’re not entirely sure which animal it came from.

4. Personal questions arrive before the starters.
Are you living together? When are you getting married? Why don’t you eat more? Do you like Malta? Are you staying forever? This is not intrusive. This is Christmas foreplay. Answer calmly. Then chew something aggressively to avoid follow-ups.

5. The noise will be biblical.
Several conversations. Simultaneously. Someone is shouting from another room. The TV is on full volume. Phones ringing. Children screaming. This is not chaos. This is warmth. If it ever becomes quiet, check for injuries.

6. Everyone has an opinion. About EVERYTHING.
Food. Politics. Relationships. Your country. Why Malta is better. Why Malta was better before. Why were things perfect in 1987? You are not required to engage. Smile. Nod. Pretend to listen. Your partner will later translate what mattered. Spoiler: almost none of it.

7. Obey your partner without question.
If they say “just smile,” smile.
If they say “eat this,” eat it.
If they say “we’re leaving soon,” PUT YOUR SHOES ON IMMEDIATELY.
They are not being dramatic. They are extracting you from danger.

If you survive your first Maltese Christmas without a nap, a walk, or five minutes alone questioning reality, then congratulations. You are either indestructible… or still processing what the hell just happened.

Either way—welcome to the family.