Living with Anxiety Beyond the Surface

 I've been anxious since my late twenties, maybe even earlier. Despite seeing many doctors, I’ve never been properly diagnosed. Due to the stigma around mental health, I've been suffering without the medication or treatment I really need.

I’m not looking for sympathy or to be seen as a victim. I just need to express what’s going on inside me. Being vulnerable like this isn’t easy, but I think it’s important. Understanding what anxiety truly is can help others see beyond the surface and realize that it’s more than just mood swings or irritability.

Anxiety isn’t just being nervous or worrying. It’s when my mind races, and I can’t focus on a single thought. It’s the crushing pressure in my chest that feels like it’s going to explode. It’s snapping at a co-worker or feeling moody for no reason. It's spending the whole weekend stressed out, wondering if I’ll get fired for something I said on Friday. It’s random bursts of crying, laughing, or jumping up and down. And when I bail on plans at the last minute? Yeah, that’s anxiety too.

Anxiety shows up in ways that aren’t always obvious. For me, it often comes out as anger. When I feel anxious inside, it manifests as me being pissed off. As a kid, while my sister got comforted for being upset, I got scolded for losing my temper. Not that I blame my parents—I really was a handful. My anger-anxiety back then looked like me losing my cool constantly. I’d throw the controller if I lost a video game, and I’d hit my sister if she teased me. Tiny triggers felt huge, and my anger and anxiety were all over the place.

Now, my anger-anxiety is getting worse and can be crippling. Anxiety makes me blurt out responses without thinking, and what I say sounds way different out loud than it did in my head. I obsess over it for days but am too anxious to correct myself. It’s a snowball effect that spirals out of control. When I talk negatively, complain, or rant? That’s usually anxiety. Even as I write this, my chest feels like it’s being crushed by a stiletto heel. That’s anxiety.

I don’t want to be irritable, mean, or moody. I do everything I can to manage it, but sometimes it’s not enough. Sometimes I still snap for no apparent reason. The reason is anxiety. Please try to be patient with me. 

I’m doing my best to cope with it. I’ve tried different methods—breathing exercises, mindfulness, journaling—but there are days when nothing seems to work. It’s frustrating to feel like I’m fighting a battle inside my head that no one else can see.

What I really need is understanding and patience. I’m working on getting better, but I need people around me to recognize that my reactions are often driven by anxiety, not a reflection of how I feel about them. If I seem distant or snap unexpectedly, it’s not because I don’t care. It’s because I’m overwhelmed and struggling to manage my emotions.

Reaching out for help is a big step, and I’m trying to navigate that process too. Mental health shouldn’t carry a stigma. We should be able to talk about it openly without fear of judgment. By sharing my experience, I hope to shed some light on what it’s like to live with anxiety and encourage others to be more compassionate and supportive.

So, if you see me having a tough day, please be patient. I’m doing my best to handle it. Sometimes, just knowing that someone understands and cares can make all the difference. Thank you for listening.

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